A Little Talk With Jesus ('s Dad)

photo credit - kirklanddentistry.com

SuperMommie: (from the dental chair earlier today) "God, do you have a minute?"

God: "Sure I do. Shoot."

SM: "Well Sir, I'm sitting here in this dentist chair..."

God: "Yesss. I can see that."

SM: "Well, this nice doctor man has been trying to get this root out of my tooth and it's starting to hurt. It's been an hour and a half already and you know he tried to do the same thing a few weeks ago and he had to stop."

God: "I recall that. I WAS there as well."

SM: "Well, yes, Sir. I'm not doubting that. I was just wondering if you can fix it so that he can get the rest of the root out and close up the wound."

God: "Why hurry? Don't you want him to do a good job?"

SM: "Of course, Sir, Your Supremeness, I just would like to feel less pain."

God: "First of all, oh favorite child of mine, I recognize sarcasm. Cut the Sir crap."

SM: "Yes Sir, I mean ummm, Dad."

God: "That's better. Now, I don't always take pain away like that. Just ask Jesus."

SM: "Oh, right. That's true. But can I have a small exemption from pain?"

God: "A small exemption from pain? Really? Remember last week when you almost cut your finger tip off... again?"

SM: "Oh, yes..."

God: "And remember how the car 2 cars behind you got into an accident and not you?"

SM: "Last week. I remember. Was that meant for me?"

God: "Maybe. Maybe it's just part of my guilt for you".

SM: "I thought you let Grammie pass out the guilt."

God: "I dole it out every now and then. Remember all that crap you ate last week and I didn't add any more weight onto your oh so petite frame?"

SM: (under my breath) "Talk about sarcasm."

God: "I can hear you. Anywho, I take care of the things that REALLY need to be taken care of. Trust me, this pain is nothing. This nice doctor man is good at what he does. Just relax. I'll make the pain pills work really well later. I won't let it hurt in the middle of the night when you are in the middle of a naughty dream."

SM: (smiling - kinda - I'm in the dentist chair) "Oh, thanks you know about the pills and the dream. That's nice to know."

God: "And, I have a surprise for you. You know that thing you keep wishing for and praying for? Well, I'll go ahead and give it to you!"

SM: (frantically) "Which thing? How soon?"

God: (voice muffled) "I'm talking to SuperMommie right now. Oh, he is? I need to talk to him. Look SuperMommie I gotta go."

SM: "Wait, God, Sir, please, which thing and how soon?"

God: "Patience my child. The big thing and soon. I've gotta run. Go With God My Child."

SM: (thinking God hung up cause he gave his sign off) "Crap! Which effin thing and how effin soon?"

God: "I heard that and not as effing soon as you'd like."

SM: "Damn it!"

Stop Making God Mad!

Who in the hell pissed off God?! Seriously?! Who gave The Creator of all things, a headache? Apparently I need to find the sinner that pissed him off and bring that sinners head to him-- maybe on a silver tray, maybe in my bare hand with the nerves still dangling.

Perhaps then, once I bring Him this offering, He will allow the sun to come out and warm us poor bastards in the south! I woke up this morning and it was 23 degrees outside. Did you hear that? 23!!! It's been in the 20's for the past week! I've had to let my faucets drip each night (which is ANNOYING! - I have super sonic hearing!) and The Princess has dressed in record time so that she can get a ride to school. Standing at the bus stop is not even an option for her delicate soul.

It's not a secret that I do not like the cold, not one little bit. I live in Atlanta, so I tolerate it for the 4 - 7 days a year that we have cold weather, but this is ridiculous. I am seriously thinking of new WARM places to live. I'm sure I can find a job like mine in the tropics, right?

No, there's nothing more to the post. No cute quips, no prose or odes to winter, no witty repartee. I simply want to know who I must smite so that The Big G will let the sun come out and play.

And yes, unnamed sinner, I will smite you if it will bring the sun back.

What's In Your Casket?

I'm stealing borrowing a blog topic today. CG spoke a few weeks back on Tony Curtis and what he had placed in his casket when he died. I'm not big on the whole casket thing cause honestly, I want The Princess to have science people come pick up my body and in a year bring her back some ashes or something. When I go to the great Farmers Market in the sky, I don't want a funeral. No, no - don't send flowers. I can't smell them - you shoulda sent them while I was alive. Don't call to pay your respects - you shouldn't visited when I was alive. Ask me to lunch now, while I'm alive. I don't want singing or crying or anything but eating.

Yep, I want The Princess and anyone else that she decided to go to the Olive Garden and eat from the never-ending pasta bowl, soup and salad. Then I want her to go out for ice cream. AND, go watch Gone With The Wind (she can break it up into a weekend of activities if she wishes).

I don't want her spending thousands of dollars on a box that's gonna get dirty. I'd rather have future doctors look at parts of my body and go,

"Wow, those are some jacked up eyes! Good Lord how did she see?".

"Doesn't matter. Did you see her feet? They are really pretty!"

"Yeah but she couldn't see her feet. She didn't get to enjoy how pretty they were."

"That's okay. Every summer the world got to."

Yep, that's what the future doctors will say. And then they will giggle and listed to what the professor is saying.

BUT...if I did do caskets, I'd a good book with me. I don't know how long the wait is gonna be.
 

What God Does At Midnight

Epiphanies happen at 1:05 in the morning. Is it because you are half asleep? Is it that you really are in REM sleep? Is it because everyone else is sleep so The Big G can focus all his time on you? I dunno. What I do know is that for me, the middle of the night is usually when they happen.

Last night I had one and it's very simple.

Yep, that's it -- simplicity.

I've decided to KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid). I have a lot of goings-on in my life and when you remove all the fast moving parts, I have some very simple things going on that are the most important things to me. I'm going to focus on those things and remove all of the other things that deter me from the important stuff. People, places, ideas, activities. All of them have to be pared down to the basics.

You're asking, how does that affect me? Well, quite simply, it doesn't. It doesn't affect you at all.

But it does affect me and that is what is going to make me a better person. Oh and well, that will make my posts more interesting (or terribly boring) so that does affect you!

So be on the lookout for simplicity. It will be so subtle, you may not even notice it! Or, it may be so earth shattering you have to shield your eyes from it.

"Be Still" ~ Your Sunday Sermon

Life really is a crazy, wacky journey, isn't it? I've spent all weekend on the phone with several people from my past, updating me on their lives, making me cry and laugh and promises of plans to get together in the future. The most prolific statement this weekend? "Isn't it funny how we get what we ask for, even we don't ask for it out loud?"

VA Girl is so right. There have been so many times that I've wanted something but never dared ask. Sometimes it seems too big or I don't feel like I've earned the right to ask. It doesn't matter. For whatever reason, if He deems it ok then The Big G fixes it right up for me -- and I never have to ask. No, the obstacles don't matter. Those are OUR obstacles. We put those things in the way. He has no obstacles, except, well, us.

Is seems like everything is so rush, rush, rush - hurry up and get it done NOW, we don't take the time for things to simply fall into place. Yes, many times we have to do something, make something move in order for things to work but many other times, things are working themselves out. The Big G is taking care of it for us with the simplest of plans.

I guess "Be still" is something we should all take more time and do. I'm not good at "be still". It seems like a loss of control for me. I don't like to lose control. I like to know who, what, when, where, how and why.

But, I'm learning that sometimes being still and doing nothing is the very best thing we can do. Sometimes it solves a problem that we thought was simply too big.

And sometimes it solves a problem that we pretended we didn't have.