Laughter Really Is The Best Medicine

I don't know if any of you have a teenager but if you do, you understand the craziness that is adolescence. If you do understand it, please send me a detailed manual because I have NO idea what the hell I'm doing.

Anywho, The Princess is in the full onset of adolescence and because I can't afford therapy (for myself, not the kid) I laugh to hide the pain. I try to find my laughs where I can get them. Sometimes a good Sandra Bullock movie works (If you haven't seen The Proposal, put your depends on cause you are gonna pee your pants!) and other times I put in The Original Kings of Comedy or an Eddie Izzard dvd (he is my favorite Brit comedian). But, other times, I just listen to my kid. Take last night for instance.

Paraphrased because who in the hell remembers what happened 12 hours ago? I went to sleep people!).

The Princess (timidly) : "Mommie. I need to tell you something."
Super Mommie (scared shitlessly): "Yes my darling. What is it?"

TP (Damn, I hate that 'The Princess' initials are TP - I'm gonna change it) : "At school today Bobby (not his real name) accidentally pulled my arm really hard and I said a cussing word."

SM (thanking God that it wasn't something more serious): "Oh, well honey, sometimes when we're in pain, bad words slip out of our mouth. You shouldn't do it often though because you can get in trouble. Did you get in trouble? Did a teacher hear you?"

My Princess: "No, only Bobby heard me."

SM: "Well, you don't want the teachers to think you always cuss like a sailor (Does she even know what the hell a sailor is? No, I don't think so. Mental note - Tell her what the 'eff' a sailor is)."

MP (Crap! Those initials suck too!): "Ok, I won't cuss".

SM: "Yeah, use other words to release your frustration. Like darn or shoot or ouch."

Super Princess: "Ok. Am I in trouble."

SM: "No sweetie. Of course not. Just try not to do it again. Ummm, by the way, what 'cussing word' did you say?"

SP (Those initials are waaaay better): "I said 'shit' ."

SM (That's my girl! Start off light. Use the big words for big situations): "Well, don't say it again."

You try not to laugh while having that conversation! I love the fact that she tells me everything most things. Will that last forever? No? Only the next three days? Oh well, I better enjoy it. Let me go watch the dance scene in The Proposal so I can laugh.

What The Hell Did You Do That For?

Let's play a game of "What The Hell Did You Do That For?" What is that? Well, it's a milder version of "WTF". For instance....

You saw me running for the elevator but you let the door close. You didn't even move to try to keep it open. I know. I saw you looking at me. It's a glass elevator. "What The Hell Did You Do That For?"

You didn't look back to make sure your flush worked, did you? Not even a brief glance? You just washed your hands and left huh? Well, your flush didn't completely work you nasty person. "What The Hell Did You Do That For?"

Those 6" platform high heels are not work appropriate. Well, they are work appropriate, if your job has a pole or a street corner close by. Wearing them to your job at an upscale downtown office building? "What The Hell Did You Do That For?"

I told you that I bought that cake in the fridge for a special occasion at work and yet, you ate took a slice of it! "What The Hell Did You Do That For?"
(from TP - thanks!)

You canceled the meeting but forgot to tell everyone. People were left "sat sitting" in that cold arse room for 20 minutes because you didn't send an email, or a text or a message in a freekin' bottle! "What The Hell Did You Do That For?"

The meeting is tomorrow morning at 9am. Is there a reason that you just sent me 16 long documents to print? It's 4:30pm! I leave work at 5:00pm! The company won't let me take overtime because they don't want to pay for it. What's your solution brainiac? "What The Hell Did You Do That For?"

(Deep sigh).

I'm just trying to be nice to you, damn it!

So what constitutes "random act of kindness"? I have to complete 101 of them. So far, 2. Yeah, I know. Not such a good start.

Why so few? Because, I try not to mistake "just plain nice" and "what you really should do" with "random act of kindness". For instance, some crazy kids where crossing a very busy street during the height of morning rush hour traffic, just a few yards away from the actual crosswalk (and school crossing guard). Well, I stopped and let the heathens cross. RAOK? No, just me deciding to stop rather than speed up and see how many of those buggers I could tag.

And at the grocery store I let a lady with 5 items go ahead of me when I had 16. RAOK? No, not really. Her incessant loud talking on the cell phone was getting on my damned nerves so I figured the sooner she left the store, the faster my sanity would return.

Oh, and there was the time that I gave the money to a stranger. RAOK? Well, if you forget that the stranger knew what car I had just gotten out of and I wanted to make sure she didn't mess with my car after I parked (And even then, I went back and re-parked my car elsewhere).

Wow! Does that mean I'm not capable of RAOK? Or, does that mean that opportunities to complete them just don't present themselves? I think that I have been too busy to notice them. My goal for the month of February? Complete 15 of them!

Yikes, that's about 1 every other day! Think I can do it? Think I can go out of my way to be nice to complete strangers?

Can I help you take that bag to your car?

101 in 1001 - Update

Update time!

I'll try to keep you updated on my 101 things in 1001 days. If you aren't familiar, take a peek (well, read this post first, thing take a peek).

#51 - Letter to my body - I found the original letter to my body and took care to write a deep, heartfelt letter to my body now. Folks, in case you haven't figured it out, I really like my body. It's pretty good and has gotten me a date or two in my time. I have no real complaints.

The biggest thing that I have accomplished was #38 - Take pictures with The Princess. I know, I'm a horrible mommie. The Princess and I have NEVER taken professional pictures together. Don't get me wrong -- we've taken many impromptu pics together and my home is a museum/shrine to her. If I don't have 80 pictures of her, it's because I have 81. But, she and I had never taken a professional picture together. Well, all of that changed Saturday. My dad wanted pictures of his kids so my siblings and I got together and took pictures (oh, it was hilarious and sad all rolled up and tied together with a "laugh my arse off" bow). Before the siblings took pics, I took the opportunity to snap a shot with reason my heart beats. They came out 'purty' good. I think my pops will be proud.

I know, 6 things completed in 77 days isn't great but it isn't bad. I should have 2 more things done at this point. But, I've got 16 things in the fire! Well, more actually. As each day passes, I complete steps toward checking off an item. It's pretty exciting.

If you are thinking about doing this, you should take a week or so and really think about 101 things that you really want to accomplish in a little under 3 years. If you're like me, it will motivate you to do some really fun stuff that you always wanted to do but for whatever reason, never accomplish. It will also give you the opportunity to complete some life long dreams.

Do it! You'll really have fun writing the list and you'll really have fun completing each task.

Really.

Eat Breakfast Like a King!

I must give a shout out to my breakfast bloggers! They have really inspired me.

I know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And, I have plenty of time to make a healthy breakfast. I just run out of ideas! I fall back on omelets and really, after a while, omelets get old.

My fave thing for breakfast is oatmeal (well my favorite thing for breakfast is a long, luxurious snuggle but food wise it's oatmeal). It's healthy, quick, portable but alas, dull as a grey lump of, well, oatmeal.

Well never fear! The wonderful bloggers below came into my blogview. I was hooked. Who knew that you could make some many fan-tab-u-lous (portable) things for breakfast! Today I had oatmeal with sweet potato, brown sugar, peanut butter and bananas. It was pretty good! I was very surprised. And of course, I was still stuffed at lunchtime so I just nibbled on lunch. That was good, because I was so excited about my breakfast, I forgot my lunch at home. No worries though. If I were ever stranded at work, my desk drawer has enough food in it to feed me for 2 weeks.

Damn it! If I'm stuck in the building for 5 minutes longer than 6pm, I'm breaking a window!

Thank you lover-ly breakfast blogs!!

Simply Breakfast
Breakfast In Texas
All In The Oats

Fiddle Dee Dee

In the words of Professor Henry Higgins (My Fair Lady (1964)), "By George, I really did it, I did it, I did it!"


I bought a new cell phone. Remember I regaled you with tales of the old phone? Well, I ordered a new phone while I was out Monday and guess what came in the mail Tuesday? Yep -- a brand new phone, with push buttons that really work!(@.t.t gets no complaints from me). I can read complete text messages now! I can call people without knowing their numbers in advance! I can turn the ringer off at work so my funky ring tone doesn't get me in trouble with the @nchorm@n!!


Here's the old phone.



And here's the new phone.



Yep, it has all the bells and whistles that Super Mommie needs. SM is happier than a Sc@r.lett O**H@ra at the 12 Oaks bbq (you know, before that 'damned war'.)!

On a side note, The Princess and I had an in depth conversation about cell phones and what it would take for her to get one. Oh, I know that the day is soon approaching but she felt that if she could get a job to help pay for the phone, she could get it earlier. She decided that she would get a job at the @.t.t store so that she could get a free phone and minutes. I explained that 13 year olds couldn't work at the @.t.t store. However, the store manager assured me he'd find a place for her and let her work under that table.

As kind as that sounds, I don't want my kid's first work experience to be 'How to Work Under The Table 101.' It could be setting the child up for a life of avoiding the tax man.

For now, I'm content with my phone and will leave worrying about a phone for The Princess until later. "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow". (Scarlett O'Hara, Gone With The Wind (1939))

#51 Living - Find original letter to my body and revise it.

ORIGINAL LETTER (2008)

A Letter To My Body

Dear Body,

I love you. You are such a special body. No one else has one quite like you. You have an extra roll or two and other people might find that bad. But I’m ok with it. I’m not always happy about it but I’m very ok with it.

Just so you know, I have no major problems with you at all. I have relatively no leg hair, my underarm hair is manageable and my facial hair is kept at a minimum. I kinda wish you would grow long hair (on the top of my head) but hey, I still have some hair so ok, whatever works for you.

I don’t know if you like being a size 12 or 14 verses an 8 or 10 but that’s where we seem to stay. We don’t seem to go anywhere else. Size 12/14 is pretty comfortable for me; is it ok with you? Well, it must be, because you don’t seem to budge. No matter what I eat or don’t eat, no matter if I exercise or not. It’s ok though.

By exercise, I mean yoga. I like yoga but you seem to like the meditative type. I like to walk but only short distances and not strenuously. That’s ok with me, if it’s ok with you.

You are still able to attract men. (Let’s work on attracting attractive men). That’s good. Keep up the good work. You still look relatively young. I’ll keep working on that with external beauty products along with the vegetarian lifestyle and vitamins.

Basically body, you are doing a damn good job. You are healthy, happy and wise. I’m proud of you. I couldn’t have asked for a better body and honestly, I wouldn’t ask for a better one.


NEW LETTER (2010)

Dear Body,

I still love you and you are still the best body a woman could have. I have no complaints at all and neither do the 1 or 2 people that have seen you without clothes on. “The girls” look good, my arse doesn’t scare off fish, I still can reel in a decent looking chap, I’m good. My eyesight is ok, my hearing is good...trust me – this is not a letter of complaint. No sir. If anything, this is a letter of gratitude.

Last year we had the whole, high blood pressure scare and we had to loose some of that fat (and thusly a few dress sizes – yea me!) and that caused “the girls” to droop a bit (boo hiss). But, we’re good, we’re good. Our blood pressure is under control and the doctor isn’t screaming we’re gonna die, so I’m ok.

We still have rolls. They are smaller, but they are still there. That’s totally my fault though. If I’d control portions better (and exercise properly, with more consistency) perhaps the rolls would run away. No worries. The rolls are happy, I’m happy.

And, we are healthy. Yes, yes, yes, we are fit as a fiddle. We are eating better, healthier foods than ever before. We’ll continue to work on eating less of those healthy foods (side note – you cannot eat as many veggies as you want. It’s still calories, healthy calories, but still calories).

The facial and leg hair is good, the underarm hair is ok and the hair on the head, well, I’ll keep cutting it cause damn it, it doesn’t want to grow properly. Don't cry hair, I still love you too. I don't like you sometimes, but I love you all the time!

Body, you’ve been very, very good to me over the last 37 ½ years. If you continue to be good to me, I’ll continue to slip you cheese laden foods, chocolate and sex every now and then. Only, every now and then though. You can’t overdo it on any of those things.

….oh please! Like someone can over do it on those things!

Love ya body!

Use Liberal Amounts of Hand Sanitizer

I did it. I'm almost ashamed but almost happy at the same time. Today, SuperMommie became a dumpster diver.

Ok, I'm not technically a dumpster diver. I didn't get into the dumpster. Hell, I didn't even get close to the dumpster. I only went to the side of it. Today, while I was taking out the trash, I noticed some unused, still bound, newspapers off to the side of the dumpster. I stopped pitching trash mid throw (cause you have to throw the trash into the dumpster. It counts as extra exercise). I looked around to see who was watching. No one!

This week was pretty good in the coupon section so my mind was racing, thinking about all those coupons, dollars if you will, just sitting there on the ground. I mean $1.50 off lotion, .50cents off deodorant, .50cents off dish liquid--you can't let that go to waste!

Yes, SuperMommie, put 6 newspapers in her car. And yes, she came home and clipped an extra set of coupons to the ones she had already clipped.

I am a dumpster diver (kinda) and I am proud (well, not proud, kinda grossed out but in a, yea, I saved money kind of way).

Pass the pu.re.l please.

This blog kills 2 birds with one stone. It answers the question of many (1) reader on why I haven't written about Mr. Vampiro in a while and it tells a funny story.

=======================================

I constantly have to explain to The Princess that you don't "put all of your business in the street". Just when I think she gets it, I realize she doesn't. It's probably because she's such an open and honest child (most of the time).

A few weeks ago my sister called my cell phone and we had something similar to this conversation...

sis: "So did you get your stuff?"

me: "What do you mean?"

sis: "Your stuff. Did you get all of your stuff from Mr. Vampiro's place?"

me: "Yeah. How did you know that's what I went to do?"

sis: "Cause when I called the house your kid said, 'My mommie went to go get her stuff back from Mr. Vampiro's house. She said she had some DVD's over there'."

me: "Really? She said that?"

sis: "Yep. So did you get the DVDs?"

me: "Yeah."

sis: "What about your toothpaste, toothbrush and deodorant? I notice you didn't mention that stuff to her."

me: "Yes, I got it and no, I didn't mention it to her cause she didn't need to know about that stuff."

sis: "Is it in a discreet bag? Cause I'd like to be at the house when she sees you bring it inside."

me: "I told her I was also gonna stop by the grocery store and I'm gonna bring the stuff in a grocery store bag, smart a$$".

sis: "So one lie to cover for the fact that her mom is a horny floozy?"

me: "I'm not a horny floozy! I just chose not to tell that part of the story to my kid. You want me to tell her about you and Mr. Deacon?"

sis: "Shut up and take your 'K.r.0-ger slash Pub-.blix' bag in the house."


And that, my dear readers, is what happened to Mr. Vampiro.

Baby, it's cooold outside!

We had a snow day last Friday!

Well, kinda. Don't get too excited. What we really had was powdered sugar covered roads with ice underneath. So, The Princess and I stayed home and enjoyed the view... from inside. No, we didn't build a (very tiny) snowman and no, we didn't roll snowballs and hit anyone.



We aren't cold weather people. In fact, I was ready to pack my bags and move to some place nice and warm. I hear New Mexico and Arizona had temps in the 70's. Perhaps SM can find an anchorman to work for in one of those states!



The weather people say we have a few more days of cold and then it should start warming back up. Good. I don't think I can take 20 degrees anymore. Bring on 50 degrees please! SM can't feel her fingers and toes!

Random Venting - School Projects

I hate science and social studies projects. Besides the fact that I am a 37 year old (sexxy) woman and have been out of high school for 19 years, I shouldn't have to assist with one. But, these projects are complex now-a-days. The kids must collect data samples and make hypothesis and create graphs and charts and a project plan and backboard sketch and...and I'm tired, damn it!

The Princess has been working on this project on bones for 2 months now. It's due this Friday and she is in the final stretch of it. She's doing great. She has needed very little assistance and she's done a fine job of getting the things together. I'm just sick of seeing silly putty and crayons all over my kitchen table. I'm tired of hearing rubber gloves snapping and please explain why the backboard has to have 3 versions and all 3 versions have to sprawl the length of my living room floor for 2 weeks.

I know, I know, it builds character. She'll need it in the future. I know that I have needed all of the projects that I did in high school (NOT).

Deep sigh. If I see one more container of silly putty....just keep an eye on the news for angry woman throwing silly putty and crayons at random people.

"Happy Birthday!!"

(in the words of Frosty the Snowman).

2010 is here -- a breath of fresh air, the dawn of a new day, the light that breaks through the horizon at 6am (and I have to roll over to the side of the bed facing the wall). Let's welcome 2010 as we would a new lover, not to be tainted with the stench of the old one, but to be treated with glee and joy, not knowing what we will get or even if we'll like it, but knowing it's here and so far, it's better than any other lover we've even had.

I digress, it's only 2pm. How bad could the new year be only 14 hours in?

I felt the need for a full breakfast this morning. Skillet potatoes, blueberry muffins (made with whole wheat flour), fluffy cheese omelet and orange pineapple juice (nope, not a drop of vodka in it). I'm stuffed! "They" (No, I don't know who "they" are) say that what you do on the first day of the new year is what you will be doing for the rest of the year. Even though I take this with a grain of salt, it wouldn't be so bad to have a year of hardy breakfasts to start the day. If only I could get this new lover (2010) to make them for me.

The Princess and I are planning a very leisurely day. We'll get dressed, go to Ma Mere's and eat black eyed peas, collard greens, hot water cornbread and fresh corn. And oh the sweets. She's planning a german chocolate cake and pecan pie (there goes eating healthy, day one!). Then we'll roll ourselves back home and finish watching the Twilight Zone marathon.

I hope everyone has as wonderful a New Years Day as The Princess and I will. Remember, it's a new year -- don't take old grudges, anger or issues into the new year. Turn the page of your journal and start fresh!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8Y_Oh1Xb10