Dear Summer,

Dear Summer,

SM is not happy right now. No, no. It's not you, it's me. We have had such a great time together. Remember those times I painted my toes and wore sandals? And remember that time you were all sunshiny and we shared frozen drinks together? Oh! And those times that we'd eat outside together? Boy, those times were great!

I looked at the calendar last night and you know what I saw? September 23. Do you know what that is? The first day of Autumn.

Yeah, I know. That means that really soon we're gonna have to break up for a little while. I don't know if you and Autumn are friends but she and I are only lukewarm. I don't really like her all that much. She's kind of cool towards me. She acts like you, but then she gets cool and I have to get a sweater. Then she gets warm again. She's too wishy-washy for me.

I also don't like her that much because after she comes along then Winter comes. Winter is on my sh*#t list. I can't stand her arse! She's all cold and frosty, like she's better that folks! I gotta put on extra clothes just to hang around her! And, she doesn't like my sandals or my tank tops. And, get this, she looks all sunshiny from the inside then you go outside and she's cold! I know. What kinda mess is that?

Oh, now Spring is okay. You know, her right? She gets warm but she brings these things that make me sneeze and stuff. I don't really like that but she tries to be friends. She really does. So, I tolerate her.

And then you come back to me and everything is right with the world. Yeah, I kinda have a crush on you. No, I don't want you to feel odd about it. I want you to embrace it. I do. I will yell to the world that I like you. I hope you like me back.

Well, since I know you are going away, I made you something. Yep! It's a photo album of our times together. It will keep us both warm while Autumn and Winter are here. Have fun while you're in Australia. Send me a postcard. I'll be thinking of you!

Yours,

It's not me, it's you.

I dated a chef once. Did I ever tell you that? Being that I love food, I thought that it would work out beautifully! Well, it didn't. Two cooks in the kitchen make for a lot of arguments. Fighting over the proper use of spices is not "hot" as you would think it would be. It just makes you wonder how heavy a cast iron skillet really is and can you make "it" look like an accident.

I dated a pretty boy twice. They hogged the mirror, used more "products" than I have EVER used and gave me reason to wonder if metrosexual was hiding something deeper, darker in their past.

I've dated (1)/married(1) guys that made fun of my being a veggie girl. I know. I should have held a pillow over their head in while they were sleeping. I thought about it...a lot. I mean threatening to eat a bleeding hamburger in front of me just incites me to help make YOU that bleeding hamburger. I didn't threaten to throw salads and tofu patties at them but perhaps I should have.

I've dated/married snorers and it didn't bother me (sorry Tall Girl). However, people that talk AND walk in their sleep freak me out. And, I won't tell you what else this particular guy did in his sleep cause I was starting to enjoy it....UNTIL I REALIZED HE WAS FREAKIN SLEEP!!!! Wake up for that dude!

I say all of this for my good friend VA Girl (Yea! Now you have a name!). You asked me if you were being too picky and would it be wrong to break if off with him. Yes, you can be picky but I don't think you are being picky. Yes, you can break it off with him. I just think that latex man is not right for you. (No, I will not explain that one even though it is so funny it will make you pee your pants). He seems nice when I've talked to him but I think you are not the type of woman he needs (I think there are some bunny ranches in Nevada he can go to or he can look on Cr@igslist).

It's ok to not like stuff about him and use that as your excuse to say, "It's not me, it's you." You gave him 6 months and you don't feel for him the way he and his bag of latex tricks feel about you. If you continue this relationship, you'll just gather more reasons to stab him in his sleep later.

And I don't have bail money. I have to save for summer camp for The Princess. BUT, I will put $10 on your commissary.