The 80's are calling...they want their stuff back.

I can't do it. I lived in the 80's. I can't wear the clothes again!

Today I saw Michael Jackson high-water pants with white socks and black loafers; a sweater dress with leggings pantyhose and a side waist, sparkly belt; and forest green corduroy pants...on a man.

I understand. The 80's were great! Hell, I was the 80's! I wore the trends, from Madonna to Janet. I had florescent socks. I sprayed way more Aquanet than a black girl should. I had a hoop earring with a key dangling from it. Bangles? I bet I had more on my arms than you did! When VH1 shows "I love the 80's" I am all there! But I can't live the clothes again. I won't.

I did try on a cream pair of corduroy pants this weekend. I ran out of the dressing room screaming and had to be sedated. I purchased a muted green jacket -- muted, not lime. But that's it. That's as far as I will go.

But you...you go ahead and do what makes you happy. Let's just follow a few simple rules, ok?

1. Michael pulled off high-waters. I don't think you should try.

2. Corduroy pants are not meant for grown a$$ men. Boys under 10, fine. Grown men over 30, let's not.

3. Tights are thicker than pantyhose. If you can clearly see your skin beneath your tights, you have on pantyhose and you need to wear a dress/shirt that comes to your knees. I do not want to see your arse covered in thin hosiery.

4. Side ponytails are a no-no. No one looks good with one except the girl from Napoleon Dynamite and even that is questionable.

5. Stirrup pants? Really? Really?

Let's work together people. Let's honor the 80's the way that they should be honored...as a special time in our lives. Let's not bring it back in a tasteless, tacky way. Put down the excess lace and move away from the crimping iron. We caused the hole in the ozone with the hairspray. Let's not make the sun cry with the amount of purple eyeshadow we are wearing!